What the.....

Reading these old posts from so long ago has been excruciatingly painful for me. I'm not sure why I did except I thought I'd get a good laugh..... which I did on some... but mostly it was just painful. This stupid blog I started years ago clearly manifested the timeline of a dark and horrible period in my life. A time where I was lonely in a new state and met a person at that exact time where I was so vulnerable. I then became what I thought was a hippie but really was a loser and a bum. I ran off with a guy that I swore up and down in those posts that I was in love with. This guy was a terrible evil person and still is. He was very violent and abusive with me and I was obsessed with making it work no matter what he did. Crazy crazy crazy. We ended up having an unplanned pregnancy together and then he used me up financially and emotionally and then he cheated and abandoned me with our child. Yeah.... sounds like an awful soap opera and it was. The only reason why I'm sharing this is I feel like it's necessary for redemption. To redeem myself for being a stupid little girl blogging about some fantacized romance and life on the road that wasn't at all what I typed it was. I lost respect from the ones I love most doing those things I did. I ruined my almost perfect credit score doing those things. And those arejust two things that got ruined in my life.

But - I had a BEAUTIFUL child from that awful period in my life. I was told I couldn't have kids and I end up having one - it just took 3 years I guess. My child saved my life. No matter how low my life had gotten, the second I knew I was going to have to bring a baby into the world - I knew everything had to change. There is no compromise on a child. There was no way I'd ever let violence into my child's life, even if it was his own dad. So from the day I found out I was pregnant, I had a secret life plan in my head I began. I fixed my bills and credit and got all my schooling back in order. I was on a mission to clean up the horrible mess I made for this beautiful child I hadn't even met yet.

So here I am with my plan that worked by the grace of God. I'm about to finish nursing school which as stated in previous blogs, was something I tried really hard to do but kept failing at. I own my own home and I'm stable and happy with so much peace every day. I would do it all over again just to have my child and most definitely the wisdom I have. I no longer place unrealistic expectations on others or myself or the world or this life of mine. I'm ......

content.

I think I'll use this blog because it's like a secret diary that no one knows about. If anyone read these blogs way back then, I'm pretty sure no one goes on here anymore. It's a good way to see how far I've come in life and see what a COMPLETE idiot I was for those few years. It's also awesome to see how faithful God is in standing by me through the ups and downs and the terrible choices. Getting back on God's path and being on God's path after being on the wrong one is the greatest feeling possible. I'm at peace and have pure happiness. Do I still make bad choices? Of course. But I'm learning.

The End.