I'd rather waste my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute

wow. it's crazy how moments and memories from either so freakin long ago or just most recent ones can play in your head over and over again and feel those exact same emotions you felt when it happened. either embarasment or loved or shy or giddy or butterflies or just simply happy. sometimes i feel like the mom from the movie signs when she has one of the most random memories right before she dies..... except mine are constant and i don't think i'm gonna die soon, who knows. but the point is i've always had this extra strong sensory memory (made that up) part in my brain that when i feel an emotion it's 10 times stronger kept in my memory than most normal people. i don't know why i'm typing about this.... probably because i had a few of those recently and they kept me up last night until 3:00 in the morning and made me smile all day today to the point where i couldn't hold it in and people caught me at work and looked at me wierd haha

overtime schmovertime. i work hard for my money so you better treat me right... or ... everybody's workin for the weeeeeeeekend. these are the songs i sing in my head when i work overtime.

i amuse myself because i'm the only one that can.

Didn't have a camera by my side this time; hoping I would see the world through both my eyes.

wow. what can i say about the last week. everything that happened in the last week feels like it could be stretched out over a year and that year would have been very busy.

First of all moving away to another state is very scary, uneasy, and life-altering... especially when you've lived in one place all your life. so this last year has already been surreal. i still have to calm down and not get freaked out when i'm reminded that i moved to freaking oklahoma, and i've lived here for almost year... didn't end up moving back to ca. and also have to calm myself down when i realize i have a nephew. hannah freakin had a baby. those two things in itself are already freaky enough to me. all these changes have made me ultra-sensitive and very vunerable to many emotions i haven't felt in so long. so now, moving on............

Commentary for events from March 21st to March 29th:

Friday afternoon: i pack everything that i love (objects) into a suitcase preparing for my visit in ca. the plane arrives and everyone's suitcase comes out but mine. but there is one last suitcase that comes out that looks like mine but isn't. so i grab it and the info tag states he's from oklahoma too. so figuring that this someone grabbed my bag accidently i call the phone number. an old lady answers and says, this isn't richard... this is his mom, he's blind and should be in nevada. wierd. so long story short i turn in his luggage and i never get mine. i call the stupid airlines everyday on my vacation and they are rude and not helpful and all they could do was get my information and give me a stupid mini travel case with gross toothpaste and deoderant that didn't work all week and say 'good luck, we'll let you know if we hear anything'. am i flying on that airline ever again? yes, it's cheap. but will i ever check in another bag going anywhere? NO.

so we go and eat sushi after with my dad, kathy, and shaunna in rancho... really good. mmmm... then head back home where i had an emotional reunion with sadie (which wouldn't have been so emotional if i wouldn't have lost my bag and was super sensitive). then liz came and picked me up which then i got really emotional because to see her face to face and not just hear her voice over the phone after all this time can make any person so grateful and emotional. we met up with rose and paul and i got to meet baby kadence for the first time!!! so exciting. i was there when they first met and exchanged numbers, i was there when they got married, found out she was pregnant then to meet their first beautiful child!? seeing the beautiful results that come from two people meeting and falling in love is so amazing in life to see. then i got home late and mark came and picked me up with jason in the back who decided to scare me, funny. in n out cheeseburger which i didn't enjoy for some wierd reason. good convo. ect....

okay i can't go into detail about my whole trip i just realized, too much info.... sooo.... down to important lessons learned:

going away somewhere and coming back to a place can be very depressing when:

1) any old friend hasn't changed or made any progress in their life and they are exactly the same. the things that used to bother you about them are still there and the things they struggle with in life hasn't changed.

2) when any person you were excited to see doesn't end up wanting to really talk and hang out with you, even if it was just for like 10 min. nothing major. they keep saying well i'll be back in just a second or i'll probably see you tomorrow night won't I? (only a select random few did this, the least expected ones)

3) when you don't get to see someone you wanted to see or spend more time with someone that you wanted to because either there were too many people there or there just wasn't enough time in the day

4) there were 3 people i didn't get to see that i told them i would see and i suck :(

I'm very happy because:

1) most of the conversations i had with people were so fulfilling and relaxed and fun because my mindset the whole trip was- i might not ever see some of these people again, so much can change in a year, i need to show love and kindness and that i care as much as i can remember to because these people are all close to my heart and i have so many memories with them.

2) not all people are so fortunate to take a visit to an old home and have so many people who want to hang out and to know so many awesome people that they can have such a good time with.

3) i saw friends doing SO good in life, striving after God.... changing things in their life for the better, and are just accomplishing their goals.

everytime i asked someone how they're doing and they mention what they're doing it annoyed me. how are you? good, just work and school. but what do i say when people ask me.... how are you doing rachel? good, oklahoma is great, just work and school. psh hypocrite.

i really did hang out with some of the most random people, i think i almost saw some of the most random people also... even people from highschool i never thought i'd see again... especially in church. good and wierd. i almost thought i was going to die in a plane crash on the way back because i saw and said goodbye to so many friends, almost like God was being nice because i was gonna die hahaha.

On another note, let's talk about God and faith on this trip:

i must admit and be honest in this blog, just like i said i would in my second blog. i feel as if as i was somewhat two-faced through this week. i went to church on sunday morning, tuesday and wednesday night..... to basically only see and talk to people. God really worked on my heart those days and then the other days i just wanted to go out and be crazy. which i did somewhat some of those nights, but it wasn't that bad. i'm puzzled as i look back and see how so much of my heart was tug-a-war between flesh and spirit. both won everyday and then went back at it again. not good. i almost flaked one night just to go out with hannah and ryan and their group because i thought it'd be more fun. what a strange and out of character thing for me to feel. i told myself i wouldn't blog about this but i was also on the prowl so to speak. i talked to jessica about it too, how do i explain........... it's almost as if my eyes were constantly searching for potential. it's gotta be the age of 22 thing. everyone's jumping ship around me while holding hands with someone and i guess i was trying to find somone's hand. hmmm that's a good way to put it. probably because being out here in ok for so long made me that way. my heart was worn on my sleeve that whole week and i'm glad no one messed with it because they could have if they wanted to. and that's all i have to say about that.

i definitely need to visit more than once a year, i hope i do more. today was the first day i feel like i'm officially back in OK again. it feels like i never left. i guess that's good and bad. i felt a little depressed today because hannah and ryan came back here with a baby and a new condo that they're gonna move into very soon. they have so much going for them. i do too but i came back to more of an empty place, work, and school. i know i'm happy out here, but i feel like lately i've been having to convince myself of that.


i done typing now but i should mention something bizarre. yesterday morning when i went to work i started having 'issues' at work in the bathroom if you catch my drift. so i start thinking it's just because of the change in environment so quickly ect. so i lose my appetite throughout the day, which isn't like me hahahaha, and go over my aunts house last night. i went back and forth to the bathroom so frequently it was getting really bad and i don't want to go into much detail but the 'issues' were far from normal and something was not right. so im hanging out with ryan's friend that was visiting this week and it kept happening, frequent trips back and forth. so finally at like 11:30 i went to sleep exhausted and curled up in a ball on my bed and around 2:00am i wake up but i feel like i'm paralyzed, i can't move my body at all and it takes about 10 minutes to get up and go to the bathroom. while in the bathroom i stand up to start to throw up and next thing you know i'm screaming for hannah to call 911 and down i go, passed out on the bathroom floor. paramedics come, put me on a stretcher, and off i go. so: i have some virus, it sucks, and i slept all day today and missed school that i shouldn't have but kinda didn't have a choice.

but look on the brightside- like the stupid girl i am - i think (or just feel) that i lost about 10 pounds within 24 hours

its to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car, the first star you see might not be a star

dang, i had my my itunes on shuffle and jimmy eat world came on and i got such an urge of excitement. i thought, man, they will forever be one of my favorite bands. they just get me and i get them and their music fits me. and then i had a flashback of a song by something corporate that had a shout out to jimmy eat world about one of my favorites of theirs. i remembered someone told me they saw something corporate in concert and when the part came on about jimmy eat world everyone was shouting and sang along that one part a little bit louder. i thought i'd give anything to be there and scream out that part about jimmy. anyways, long story short i had to search and search to find what the title of that song was then find it on myspace to add. such a good song, and moral of the story is: it's amazing what 4 lines sung in a song that refers to a band that you love can make you feel. crazy!


life is good. God is good, as always. school sucks, didn't get into the nursing program because it was full.... story of my life. sometimes i think i'll never be done with school. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, it's like i'm so far ahead but not at all. i've got every freakin class almost done for my bachelors besides the actual nursing curriculum that i can't take because you have to be in the stupid program that's impossible to get into in any state. ugh. but OK is a little easier to get into thank God. i know i'm not the only one that feels insecure around others with school when you're past the age of already getting your degree. it's sad how inadequate we feel next to others that have higher education then we do... it's not like those people know more about life or love. and if they have their bachelors, big deal... it's not that freakin hard people, just time consuming. hmmmm... rachel's deep thought for the day.

i'm tempted in ca to just hang out with liz and few select others. i was telling liz the other night how i just want to hang out with her because in 10 years i know she's the only one of my friends that i'll probably still talk to often. gosh, i could talk about liz forever. our friendship is so special to me and is so awesome all the time and has been since i was 15. it's like God uniquely designed it to last for a looooooong time.

i had fun saturday, i watched/hung out with my little cousin and we had girl time... went and saw a movie, ate, ect.... we saw the best movie ever, horton hears a who. SO GOOD. i never want to see kid movies but everytime i do i always love it after. i'll totally go see it again.

speaking of which, U2 in 3D, i heard it was so cool. i told my dad we should go watch that for easter sunday. ha i love my dad, we always have the best holidays... we're so alike.

1 more week, hopefully, and they're out!!!! gonna miss them, but not for long. psh besides, they're like 40 seconds walking distance away haha. i love it.

i have roomie if i decide i don't like living on my own. she's pretty much my only friend in OK. it's funny, we've probably only hung out like 3 times and i consider her a good friend, we just click. anyways, she's gonna move in if i don't like living by myself that long. we'll see.... i think i just need some me time in my place kinda thing for a few months and then i'll get over it ha.

i really hope i get a rental car in ca, i absolutely hate asking people for rides with a passion. sucky. i don't want to stress about it.

we had a late birthday bbq for sarah on sunday. good times good times. me and mom went and got her cake from this antique bakery that is so freakin cool. it had giant frosting frogs for decoration, if you know me you'll understand. even cooler than the gingerbread cottage surprisingly. who would have thunk it (ugh, i hate when people talk like that).

my accent is getting worse. i was on the phone with someone at work giving a number and i kept saying foR instead of four. horrible.


first star i seeeeeeeeeeee, may not beeeeeeeeeeee a starrrrrrrrrr.

someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide... in a champagne supernova

what a bad day. what a bad week. what a bad month. so many people have offended me and pushed me around this week. i feel so hurt by everyone. when we had a group session.......... ugh i can't even freakin type on this stupid blog because the tv is up way too loud and brayden's crying and i'm sitting in my small room with headphones. talk about annoying, thank god they leave in the next 2 weeks. i feel like a time bomb about to go off. And you ask what I'm gonna do as soon as they move out? walk around naked playing my guitar AS LOUD AS I WANT and leaving clothes and glasses all around while watching braveheart. haha jk, kind of. well at least i was kidding about the naked part but the point was made. whew........ anyways, i'm done complaining now. so we had a group therapy session with my mom. the counselor made me go first. 'tell your mom whatever you want to tell her'. uhhhh are you serious, she doesn't want to know what i really want to tell her and i don't want to hear what what i really want to tell her. so what did i say? what was the one thing that i could say without hurting her and being simple with my words? As i stared at her and saw her right arm that had scars from cutting (emo huh? but truth), 'all i ask for is consistency'. consistency in our relationship and her life. but most of all: be consistent in loving me. can just one human that i know be consistent in loving me? i know i know, that's why God is so amazing. He consistently loves me and is the only one that ever will. that's when human relationships are healthy and life is healthy, because you don't place unrealistic expectations on the people you love. you'd think it's simple but it's one of the hardest things to do in life. during the session i had say something and tell her how i felt about her getting things straightened out with God. i told her that if she went on this journey with god and tried to go to church He'd help her. i haven't felt that alone in a room in so long. but did my life and the way i live back up what my mouth was saying? nope. which makes it worse.

is it better to speak up and say something that needs to be said and won't be said unless you say it even though you're not doing it or is it better to shut up? who knows.

i worked 10 hours overtime this week, which doesn't sound impressive but it is to me. and so i'm gonna pat myself on the back.

I feel so alone but then i think of the plans for my life, plans made by me and God both but God is the like president and me the vice president.... he can change it if he wants but here's what we have so far:

2-3 years then done with school. A few months before I graduate I'll get an approved loan to buy this condo off my grandma which she already said she wants to. then:

plan a: work awhile as a nurse for a yearish here in OK while I get more experience and pay off school debt

b: live in CA with whoever, if i have any friends there anymore i'll work making bank and pay off my debt there

c: go straight to africa to live and work as a nurse missionary. which that is when my bible college completion comes into play.

now if plan a or b is carried out during that year i will also be investing my money in a rv suitable for one, or two?, nah.... i'm pretty sure just one haha. the cna school that i went to i purposely made an impression on while i was there (highest grade in class booyah kashaw) sends nurses out to various jobs over the US to work for periods at a time (3 weeks or 3 months ect.) at hospitals that are desperate for nurses. the nurses that go there make triple what they'd normally make and when they go back home they have all this money and are on vacation until they feel like it. i would drive in my rv to those places, visit people on the way, make friends, sight see, visit the simple way and places like it, be adventurous and spontaneous while serivng god in any way he in his creative mind leads me to. then once a year since i'd have all that money saved up and the condo will be paid off i'd take a missions trip of my choice.

But if plan c carries out i'll rent this condo out for a few hundred more and basically the renters will be helping pay off this condo for me and when it's paid off their extra money could be used by me for africa for support of my ministry. which i'll be able to charge a lot because this condo is worth it, luckily my grandma decked it out before she moved out big time.

So either way in this lifetime, I'll be productive and smart financially, spiritually, and uhhh i dunno what else.

sometimes being alone can freak a person out. just like the filter song, 'can everyone agree that no one should be left alooooooooooooo ooone'. but God is so cool, when i was little i was such a loner and wierd and always wanted to be alone. my parents thought i was always 'special' (no jokes allowed). and now i know why, everything i look at from my past from birth on has been preparation for who i am today and what i'm gonna do in life. i can't wait. and i can brag about this blog because i've never been all talk, if i want something and through God all things really are possible for those whole love him............ i will get it and enjoy it. unless the president says no :(

everyday is a winding roooooooooooad, i get a little bit closer; to feeling fiiiiiiine

I decided every blog i write the title is gonna be words to a song i heard that day.


Bike ride number 3 was so much fun on sunday. we went on a trail then onto a super old cool rusty... but safe, bridge that crossed the arkansas river. we rode to riverwalk, a place along the river with restaurants and coffee shops and such and ate lunch outside. then we went on another cool curvy path to the tulsa aquarium which has one of the few 'shark tunnels' that exist in the US. everything was so adventurous and spontaneous, just the way i like it. we didn't plan any of it. Then we went to the aquarium and saw scary sea creatures, and some other ones like dori, nemo, bruce, and uhh that's all i know. me and hannah asked the fur guy (the guy hanging out by the beaver dam with animal skin all over him to show visitors) if we could wear it and take a picture, good times. Then we ate dinner over grandmas, like every sunday night.

update on mom: tried to hang herself in rehab apparently. i know. crazy. just thought i'd throw that out there to show the crap i've always dealt with. but's it not the first so didn't really phase me.... now she has to have this lady follow her around all the time and my mom gets mad at her, kinda funny... have to find the humor in those kind of things. welp, that's all i have to say about that. big gulps huh? well see ya later.

i've been working overtime a lot it seems, i was hoping i'd have enough extra money to have carlos do my second tattoo while i was out there in ca, he's the only one i trust now, but it doesn't look like i have enough. bummer. i guess i should do that whole 'wait 2 years and see if you still want it' thing, especially since it was gonna be something going around my wrist area.

stupid school, i was doing so good.... maintaining A's. it's like i purposely didn't do homework for 2 weeks and missed school. I always sabatoge myself when i'm doing good with anything, it's a fact... i think i need counseling or something. everytime i'm doing good at something or have a good relationship with someone, i purposely get rid of it and never think about those things/people again, never look back and turn away from them .... well except for that one person that comes back to haunt me in my dreams... long story. i was doing so good in catalyst, at least i thought i was, then just after i got credentialed it's like i couldn't take the success so i resigned. and trust me, the list goes on and on. that's why i don't know if i'll ever get married. it's completely split down the middle. completely half of me wants to and the other half doesn't. i'm so happy being single, but i really want to have offspring (i know that's a funny term but i like it because its a way of saying a person that came from you and is part of you that becomes an individual... i dunno, i just always liked it). i think marriage grosses me out more because of everyone's emphasis on it. and the more people bother me about it (family) and the more i see marriage become something it's not.... the less chance i'm gonna get married. if only i could split in half.... one side get married, pop a few kids out, grow old and work in a office or something, being all american-like..... and one side be a hippie, travel around in a rv going to assigned hospitals as a nurse taking yearly missions trips and be pretty much single and free or living in africa until i die. oh if only a way to combine both Lord. well to conclude one of my very few talks about marriage that i totally saw coming when i started this blogger thing: I only plan on getting married if soemone comes along that i would regret forever if i passed up the opportunity to plan my life with him. the end. we'll see what happens. happy either way, that's what's so beautiful about it. le sigh. where is that from? maybe from fcnow when i used to go on there. or someone's old live journal maybe?


hmmmff, feel kinda good now =)

Oh yeah i said life goes ooooon.... long after the thrill of livin is gone

good times. good times. me, hannah, ryan, and cassie went to a restaurant/bar called full moon and watched the 'dueling pianos' it's pretty much two guys playing grand pianos facing each other, one with OU stickers and one with OSU stickers and everyone gives them song requests. we did our usual requests: brown eyed girl, sweet caroline, journey.... last time we saw them they played a bunch of rap songs, it was so richard cheese style. it's so much fun, everyone in there is dancing and singing along.... except for all the too cool for school people. the main piano guy pretty much makes fun of whoever he wants that's in the audience. so embarassing, i don't know what i'd do if he picked on me :(

Then after we left around midnight it was 25 degrees and snowing outside, suckyyyyyyyyyyyy. cassie totally paid for our bill, it was like 125 something. craaaaaaazy, so nice of her. if i would've known i probably would have gotten more than a rueben sandwich with ice water hahahaha jk. really, i'm kidding.

i'm watching the game right now, such a good freakin movie. worked today, i freakin hate my job and love it too. it changes everyday, it's like a bipolar job. whatever, grateful for it.

Gonna watch the big ol' duke game that ryan's getting me and hannah into, gonna make some cheese dip and relax. no diet today, i need a break haha. i'll be back on it tomorrow.

ryan's friend keeps saying he's gonna hook up with me when he visits in a few weeks and we all just laugh. i got the phone from ryan last night and told his friend, 'noooo i will not make out with you!'. funny crap.

13 days until the Golden state.

21st: sushi with dad, cathy, three's a company, and shaunna. maybe even ryan's family. then quality time with sadie. then of course miss elizabeth. then maybe making a surprise visit to a few people for fun mu haha
22nd: ryan's bbq with friends, should be interesting.... then laaaaaaaaaaaadie's night with dinner and dancing. can't wait, i need to brush up on my moves haha jk
And all the other days are planned somewhat but i'm just gonna have fun fun and wing it


oh yeah and i bought fake eyelashes today for fun, thought i'd test them out. i was bored.

quote of the day, (hannah's new nick name has been banana peel) 'hannaaaaaaaaaah, don't be a bruised banana hannah'. (when she didn't want to go the flying roll restaurant where they throw rolls at you haha, no joke).

O' on bended knee is no way to be free.

wow. Into the Wild. what a freakin good movie, it's like the giant part of me who has this idea of the way I want to live but not sure if I'll ever have the guts to live it decided to be in a movie.... or something wierd like that. It totally went with this whole hippie side of me that's been growing for the last few years. And especially since I've been obsessing over this book, Irresistible Revolution..... I have so many ideas and am so enlightened everytime I read it. I already decided I'm gonna take a trip Summer of 09 to Philadelphia to spend 2 weeks with their homebase. It's basically a community where a bunch of people who live out God's love and all they do 24/7 is serve others around them. www.thesimpleway.com I THINK is the website. They don't have bills, they got rid of them pretty much and don't live on materialistic things. Hannah thinks it's a cult haha but it's far from it. And Mr. Shane Claiborne himself is one of the speakers lined up for cornerstone festival in July which i still don't have anyone to go with. :( I'll totally go by myself.

In other news, in other very very very strange and funny news: I'm pretty much gonna be on tv soon. There is a show on A&E called Intervention and Hannah wrote them about my mom and they are very interested in our story. We're getting our interviews and such on tape this weekend. It's awkward because it's not like, 'hey everybody, watch intervention... i'm gonna be on tv!'. but more like, 'hey everybody, don't watch A&E channel this such and such night'. My family's dirty laundry is pretty much gonna be aired on cable. hmmm.... we'll see what happens. Yeah apparently my mom is leaving rehab tomorrow, I guess that whole 4 days was too much. lamo. i hate talking about my mom, no vicitimizing myself here as if you can't already tell since i don't ever talk about it. anyways, moving on.

I think about california and i'm so nervous that so much has changed to the point that my trip i'll be seeing friends here and there but it will be so different that it would be too wierd to ever visit again after this. just a thought but probably wont happen. i guess since i suck so bad at phone calls i'll be buying a whole lot of 'i love oklahoma' t-shirts to make it up haha

me and brayden had auntie rachel is the best time last night. i took him all by myself to my aunts house, i was so freaked out the whole time, i kept looking back at him and making sure he was breathing ha. we listened to deftones on the way there (i did) and then we ate tacos my aunt made (i did) and then we watched american idol/ANTM (i did) and then went to braums and ate ice cream on the way home (i did). he's too cute, i can see his personality coming out. i loved working with kids and seeing their personalities come out slowly throughout the school year, such a beautiful process.

well, i'm working on saturday... suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkky. but not like i have anything else to do. on sunday we're (three's a company too gang) are going on another bike ride. we're gonna go to downtown (we were walking doooooooooooooownn townnnn yeahhhhh) and get sandwiches for lunch and hang out. (the heart hospital here donated massive amounts of pink bikes to the city and they are free and located everywhere, THEE coolest thing ever). last week me and ryan went on one and it was A-mazing. the bike trail we went on was something out of my most creavite imaginative thoughts when i was little. we went down this sidewalk to underneath a road bridge and out of nowhere was this tiny bright blue river with families playing football and running around. then it lead up hill and to the right and winded around the highway through a forest. no joke, tulsa's bike trails go all around the city though hidden arch ways of trees.... what more could a girl like me want.


too long of blog. ew.

Try to understand..... he's the magic maaaannn woaaaoaahhhh..

So I wake up early to work again some overtime and what song do I hear playing when my car starts? Heart - Magic Man (?). It's amazing how smooth my day can go with music. I go on my lunch break to Chipotle (which wasn't on my diet) and Weezer is on when my car starts, if you want to destroy my sweaaaaaaaaaaaaater.... .... my vegitarian burrito was not as good as CA makes them, at all. the tortilla was really weird tasting. anyways so then when I'm leaving work, which I ran out of there because I definitely was not going to work overtime again like yesterday. And when I start my car crushcrushcrush is on, pumped me up. ANTM is on tonight, too bad this season sucks. Ryan calls it ATM. funny. And again for the 3rd week in a row I'll be working out, feels good but I know my 'diets' don't usually last more than 4 weeks at the most. pity, we'll see what happens. I was doing good with smoking until this morning I bought a pack, diiiiiiiiiiiiiiisgusting. Man, I was thinking about that today. I tried my first cigarette probably around 6th grade. Smoked consistently from 8th grade until after highschool, quit for catalyst... kinda. and started again, then stopped. back and forth. then started again in december. Its the weather, i swear, when it's cold outside smoking brings back so many memories and i love the feeling of it. but i've been going down to one a day, it really is gross and it's effecting my running which effects my diet which effects my self-esteem. well i really hope my blogs don't become a schedule of things i've done and what i'm going to do. peace in the middle east.



2 weeks to californnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnia

so going back to this............

i'm about to go to sleep (well actually watch a movie 'into the wild' that i rented) and then it hit me... the only way this blog is gonna work for me is if i vow to tell the truth and nothing but the truth (i know). which is the way it should be in every aspect of my life but unfortunately i'm not as transparent as i'd like to be. that is all.

vow:truth

woah

i'm pretty sure there is no one that knows what to say on a first blog except saying that they don't know what to say in their first blog.

I guess I can try to explain to myself why i'm doing this silly thing that airs out all of my thoughts and feelings that can be somewhat private. i can choose not to ever say anything personal in this 'journal' but what's the fun in that? everyone wants somebody to have an interest in what they're thinking, yup... i think that's the very reason why this website could become so popular. it's very liberating.

................................ my name is rachel. i live in oklahoma in a condo with my sister, her new baby, and the dad. my life should be a sitcom. but not for long, they are moving out the first week of april and i'll have this place all to myself. i'm not really sure why i'm here. i mean i know the reasons that i tell people why i'm here; nursing school, CA too expensive, family here. which is all true but i know there are deeper reasons to why i'm here. everyone has a fascination with the other side that always seems greener, i know this is mine and it really is greener. but then another place will always look greener than here, never ending cycle through life unless you put a stop to it and just enjoy where you are.

it really is sad that while i wasted my time editing this stupid confusing public/private journal, i never once edited anywhere anything about my faith. i've come a long way to be where i'm at today with God and what a good, solid, and understanding relationship we have with each other. i miss a lot of people right now, some of them have no idea that theres this little person in the little oklahoma missing them so much. wow, how girly. ha. okay i'm starting to embarass myself. the end for now. not a bad first bloggity i'd say.