someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide... in a champagne supernova

what a bad day. what a bad week. what a bad month. so many people have offended me and pushed me around this week. i feel so hurt by everyone. when we had a group session.......... ugh i can't even freakin type on this stupid blog because the tv is up way too loud and brayden's crying and i'm sitting in my small room with headphones. talk about annoying, thank god they leave in the next 2 weeks. i feel like a time bomb about to go off. And you ask what I'm gonna do as soon as they move out? walk around naked playing my guitar AS LOUD AS I WANT and leaving clothes and glasses all around while watching braveheart. haha jk, kind of. well at least i was kidding about the naked part but the point was made. whew........ anyways, i'm done complaining now. so we had a group therapy session with my mom. the counselor made me go first. 'tell your mom whatever you want to tell her'. uhhhh are you serious, she doesn't want to know what i really want to tell her and i don't want to hear what what i really want to tell her. so what did i say? what was the one thing that i could say without hurting her and being simple with my words? As i stared at her and saw her right arm that had scars from cutting (emo huh? but truth), 'all i ask for is consistency'. consistency in our relationship and her life. but most of all: be consistent in loving me. can just one human that i know be consistent in loving me? i know i know, that's why God is so amazing. He consistently loves me and is the only one that ever will. that's when human relationships are healthy and life is healthy, because you don't place unrealistic expectations on the people you love. you'd think it's simple but it's one of the hardest things to do in life. during the session i had say something and tell her how i felt about her getting things straightened out with God. i told her that if she went on this journey with god and tried to go to church He'd help her. i haven't felt that alone in a room in so long. but did my life and the way i live back up what my mouth was saying? nope. which makes it worse.

is it better to speak up and say something that needs to be said and won't be said unless you say it even though you're not doing it or is it better to shut up? who knows.

i worked 10 hours overtime this week, which doesn't sound impressive but it is to me. and so i'm gonna pat myself on the back.

I feel so alone but then i think of the plans for my life, plans made by me and God both but God is the like president and me the vice president.... he can change it if he wants but here's what we have so far:

2-3 years then done with school. A few months before I graduate I'll get an approved loan to buy this condo off my grandma which she already said she wants to. then:

plan a: work awhile as a nurse for a yearish here in OK while I get more experience and pay off school debt

b: live in CA with whoever, if i have any friends there anymore i'll work making bank and pay off my debt there

c: go straight to africa to live and work as a nurse missionary. which that is when my bible college completion comes into play.

now if plan a or b is carried out during that year i will also be investing my money in a rv suitable for one, or two?, nah.... i'm pretty sure just one haha. the cna school that i went to i purposely made an impression on while i was there (highest grade in class booyah kashaw) sends nurses out to various jobs over the US to work for periods at a time (3 weeks or 3 months ect.) at hospitals that are desperate for nurses. the nurses that go there make triple what they'd normally make and when they go back home they have all this money and are on vacation until they feel like it. i would drive in my rv to those places, visit people on the way, make friends, sight see, visit the simple way and places like it, be adventurous and spontaneous while serivng god in any way he in his creative mind leads me to. then once a year since i'd have all that money saved up and the condo will be paid off i'd take a missions trip of my choice.

But if plan c carries out i'll rent this condo out for a few hundred more and basically the renters will be helping pay off this condo for me and when it's paid off their extra money could be used by me for africa for support of my ministry. which i'll be able to charge a lot because this condo is worth it, luckily my grandma decked it out before she moved out big time.

So either way in this lifetime, I'll be productive and smart financially, spiritually, and uhhh i dunno what else.

sometimes being alone can freak a person out. just like the filter song, 'can everyone agree that no one should be left alooooooooooooo ooone'. but God is so cool, when i was little i was such a loner and wierd and always wanted to be alone. my parents thought i was always 'special' (no jokes allowed). and now i know why, everything i look at from my past from birth on has been preparation for who i am today and what i'm gonna do in life. i can't wait. and i can brag about this blog because i've never been all talk, if i want something and through God all things really are possible for those whole love him............ i will get it and enjoy it. unless the president says no :(