What the.....

Reading these old posts from so long ago has been excruciatingly painful for me. I'm not sure why I did except I thought I'd get a good laugh..... which I did on some... but mostly it was just painful. This stupid blog I started years ago clearly manifested the timeline of a dark and horrible period in my life. A time where I was lonely in a new state and met a person at that exact time where I was so vulnerable. I then became what I thought was a hippie but really was a loser and a bum. I ran off with a guy that I swore up and down in those posts that I was in love with. This guy was a terrible evil person and still is. He was very violent and abusive with me and I was obsessed with making it work no matter what he did. Crazy crazy crazy. We ended up having an unplanned pregnancy together and then he used me up financially and emotionally and then he cheated and abandoned me with our child. Yeah.... sounds like an awful soap opera and it was. The only reason why I'm sharing this is I feel like it's necessary for redemption. To redeem myself for being a stupid little girl blogging about some fantacized romance and life on the road that wasn't at all what I typed it was. I lost respect from the ones I love most doing those things I did. I ruined my almost perfect credit score doing those things. And those arejust two things that got ruined in my life.

But - I had a BEAUTIFUL child from that awful period in my life. I was told I couldn't have kids and I end up having one - it just took 3 years I guess. My child saved my life. No matter how low my life had gotten, the second I knew I was going to have to bring a baby into the world - I knew everything had to change. There is no compromise on a child. There was no way I'd ever let violence into my child's life, even if it was his own dad. So from the day I found out I was pregnant, I had a secret life plan in my head I began. I fixed my bills and credit and got all my schooling back in order. I was on a mission to clean up the horrible mess I made for this beautiful child I hadn't even met yet.

So here I am with my plan that worked by the grace of God. I'm about to finish nursing school which as stated in previous blogs, was something I tried really hard to do but kept failing at. I own my own home and I'm stable and happy with so much peace every day. I would do it all over again just to have my child and most definitely the wisdom I have. I no longer place unrealistic expectations on others or myself or the world or this life of mine. I'm ......

content.

I think I'll use this blog because it's like a secret diary that no one knows about. If anyone read these blogs way back then, I'm pretty sure no one goes on here anymore. It's a good way to see how far I've come in life and see what a COMPLETE idiot I was for those few years. It's also awesome to see how faithful God is in standing by me through the ups and downs and the terrible choices. Getting back on God's path and being on God's path after being on the wrong one is the greatest feeling possible. I'm at peace and have pure happiness. Do I still make bad choices? Of course. But I'm learning.

The End.

and the leaves that are green turn to brown

Hi blog. wow. my last update freaks me out - that doesn't look very appetizing anymore.

So I can't sleep... what's new. But good news is I can steal one of our neighbor's internet so if you're lucky and the sleepless nights continue; there might just be some awesome random late night ramblings from Rachel.

I guess I'm supposed to update stuff?

+ I met Miss Molly yesterday - another miracle of life moment I got to witness firsthand (trust me, very firsthand.... and up close and personal ewwwwww) It's so freakin wierd Hannah is married with two young kids. It's so strange the way of life. Without her being knocked up in the first place she'd probably be partying it up in CA and doing whatever - not to sound mean. And I'd still be in CA running around in circles with no new adventures and no new sights to see.

+ Start Nursing school in January if everything goes accordingly... which with my luck it won't. I've got everything done for my bachelors except for the actual nursing courses go figure. It's not my fault the 'man' decides to be dramatic about needing nurses but allow every one of the nursing schools to have a 2 year waiting list. It's disgusting. It's been a long time coming.... I did decide to do the travelling thing and relax and make lots of money (haha) causing it to be pushed aside but now that I've been back in Tulsa for about 7 months it's about time I take care of business.

+ Love Love Love and more Love. Can't get enough of Love in yo lyfe. 1 1/2 years and still going strong baby, i love you! HAHA umm no, I don't talk like that... don't worry.

+ I moved in with my mom about a month ago to save money for school. Wierd. Nuff' said.

+ Ooh I get my 'inheritance' early next month or whatever you want to call it from my G-ma (no she didn't die, don't worry). Let's just say that every amount of money I owe to anyone in the world will be paid. Let the true 'burden free' hippie life begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woo hoo!!! except for my school when I'm done :(

+ So I started a 'bucket list' about 2 months ago and I am freakin motivated, determined, and focused on that thing. I've already checked off a few things including:

Buying a scooter
Riding a 'riding' lawn mower to mow the grass
Learning how to read music
Learing to play piano...

On a side note: I was all excited about buying a keyboard today but I didn't realize how expensive they are until I was going to get one. I figured out that I need a digital piano keyboard with all 88 keys if I'm not mistaken... and to also make sure I have the pedals to connect so when it comes to playing a real piano I won't be too unfamilar. Soooo keyboard will have to wait until July 15th but I have been going to Barnes and Noble on my lunch breaks and reading 'how to play piano for dummies' and 'how to read music for dummies' or it's another one like that hahahaha I love those books with a passion. But I feel like my fingers are burning to play the piano. It's the same exact feeling I felt when I taught myself to play the guitar... this passion and this deep feeling knowing that I was going to be able to play that instrument as soon as I picked it up. I just understood it instantly. But hopefully this time, unlike the guitar, I'll keep moving forward with practicing instead of stopping at the 'comfortable' point..... where yeah I can play all these awesome Led Zeppelin songs haha ect but I didn't practice the scales and so on that would have made me way better than I am today.

It's funny because I'll be listening to piano music with my headphones at work and I'll type on the keyboard as if it's a piano, strange.

Stupid Andrew McMahon and your beautiful genius music. Why do you have to inspire me to play the piano so greatly that I'm willing to starve in order to buy sheet music? That may be a little far fetched but not too much. Oh and by the way Konstantine is on my bucket list, one day.

So there's about 28 other things on my bucket list that I have ideas for but most of them will take time.

I thought about doing a 'bucket list' album on my myspace or facebook but I thought about it and it's just too special for some stupid website like that. So I've just taken pictures of everything I've accomplished and I have this awesome photobook made of pure tree bark (perfect, I know) that I'm going to use as my official bucket list album. It's going to be awesome and one day I'll be able to pass it down. Oh yeah (like I really forgot), soooo.... I found out I can't have kids. This might seem strange to just throw out there on a stupid blog in the middle of nowhere but it's life and blogs are meant for life situations..... so there you go. I'll truly be a partial Brangelina now, it's fine with me. I kind of knew it in my heart all along, it's strange how God prepares you for things like that years and years before you put all the puzzle pieces together. Sometimes I do feel wierd like I'm less of a woman and sometimes I do have my sad moments.... like the thought of never being able to see my child with my nose, my eyes, my freckles. Wow, I'm crying right now as I typed that.... geez. But asian babies here I come!!!! so moving on now I guess.

ummmmm.... I'm feeling tired now. woo hoo!

It seems like I had something SO cool to write about but I guess I don't, that sucks.

I'm boring but I can honestly say that I enjoy life to it's fullest every day and that is a lot harder for most people than you think.

Peace and love.

wierd

ummm so I can cook. i've been cooking almost every night for the last month and i'm freakin good at it! mmmmmmmm this is what i made for tonight, cordon bleu.... rachel style

i was worried there for a second that i couldn't due to previous attempts the last few years haha

my new house needs a few roof repairs now

Notice the awesome autumn tree on the left! oh yeah!

What Would I Have Voted on Prop 8?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....... if what I know is correct: Voting yes was banning and voting no was keeping gay marriage.

Half of me would have voted yes and half of me would have voted no and the WHOLE part of me would have not voted. Let me explain if someone is interested in this......

I truly believe that any person of faith, no matter what kind of faith that is, can have one strong view of something until it turns personal. For example, I'm a Christian and I'm taught in church and Bible school that homosexuals are sinning in what they do. That never meant that I was supposed to attack them or be mean ect.... (which even if I was told to I wouldn't). Then I think it was probably a few years ago now, about 2 or 3, my cousin and I had a very personal talk and he revealed that he is gay and has known for a long time now. Everything turned so personal. My cousin is an AMAZING person, not a mean bone in his body and my aunt and uncle and cousins are all some of the most kind wholesome people I've ever known. Ask anyone that might know them and they'll agree.

Now I know that a lot of people would beg to differ but the God I know I just don't see or understand why he would send any person like that to hell... no matter how much I've studied the bible and how obvious it is that he does say that. Maybe I'm just in denial........... but maybe I'm not? Maybe I'm part of the group in this world that see things the right and realistic way for what it is? All I know is that this whole topic has become personalized and that always causes confusion and changed views. it's wierd.

so i think i might have voted no. just because it's kept legal doesn't mean that people that disagree have to partake in it. even though it bothers you doesn't mean that those it doesn't cant be happy by marriage. and by the way............ marriage by heterosexuals these days, if you haven't noticed, is not as sacred at all. people use it as a big party and attention then get divorced on an average of 2 years later. so let's go ahead and keep marriage for heterosexuals who are getting divorced after all the time and not let homosexuals take a shot at marriage still and i'm gonna just say it------ probably value it and appreciate more than hetero's.

you know what i want? i want to see what the divorce rate was for the homosexuals that married in the time it was legal compared to heterosexuals? that should settle it.

BUT there is one more side to it. Now this could just be a misunderstood rumor I heard but I heard that priests and churches that would not perform a homosexual wedding could be possibly sued and imprisioned for discrimination. if that is true oh man, i would not vote no but yes. can't there just be a compromise?

so long story short: I probably just wouldn't have voted!

I'm done typing about this, i feel like i just typed a boring essay for an old english class. boo.

umm life update: moving temporarily back to the OK in 2 weeks so I can finish school and such. Plus watch Brayden part time, YAY!!! and.......................... wedding countdown will be available within the next 3-4 weeks, oh yeah.


Peace and Love Ya'll


p.s. "Ya'll" is my new favorite word ever thanks to the amazing Paula Dean!

p.s.s. Rock Band for 7 hours, me and zee and our friend cody are officially addicted!

thank you snl for a perfect skit

http://www.hulu.com/watch/42025/saturday-night-live-the-view

this is a perfect example of how ignorance works and how it could potentially spread from one idiot to another idiot. i'm so glad i've watched these two presidential candidates myself instead of believe and pass on things i've read or heard on the internet, no matter how convincing, intelligent, and FACTUAL it may SEEM. And it's also great to be mature enough to be able to take in other's opinions but not be too weak, fragile, and naive to not have an opinion of my own.

yay obama. can't wait to see you win tomorrow night!

In other news today......

no more sarah palin costume for halloween. although i know i can pull her off remarkably because i do think i resemble her features..... and i've been told i resemble tina fey for a few years now.... i turned out to look like an old stupid wanna-be business lady................... even though that matches her pretty well i decided just to be a stupid lady bug


blah

and i am so sick of reading and hearing ignorant things about Barrack Obama. I can't believe people believe such lies just because it's in a chain email or it came out of their neighbors mouth. As an avid political news watcher and reader i can guarantee anyone i know that Obama is the right choice. For the first time in my life I have been completely absorbed into politics and i've been watching this presidential election so closely i am PASSIONATE about it and i'm PASSIONATE about Obama! don't be ignorant, watch the news for yourself and watch their campaign trails yourself and what they have to say, don't rely on false rumors and information!!!!

that is all.

stupid lady bug, and i'm not even a sexy lady bug.... just a plain frumpy one.... oh well. it was only 11 dollas holla

I don't want to be like a fascist dictator; a saint or a sinnner, I want to be a winner.

ugh, so much to talk about. so little energy and desire to type on this blog.

moved stuff out of storage into condo last month = feels great to have a home set up for holidays and visits or whatever without dust and heat. plus visiting with the fam made me feel temporary complete

hannah = best mom ever hands down. she gets me all emotional because i'm so proud of her. man oh man change is one of the most hardest but exciting best feelings ever. over 2 years so much has changed since hannah found out she was pregnant while in OK and me move to OK from CA. it's so wierd to think of how things are now and how they used to be.

mom = worse mom ever. crazy and stalking and needs help and yet somehow you can't say those things even though they're true because you feel so bad after you say it

zee = love of my life, so much hard work in a relationship. "a bird can love a fish but where would they live?" well i've been making a nest with a pool and i think it's working out and will hold. don't assume you know what this means, it's a wierd spiritual metaphor i stole from a movie.

Mississippi = interesting. went to the state fair and had homemade cinnamon rolls and went on spinning crazy ass rides which means nausea for a whole night. sucky.

i didn't go on the internet for almost 2 weeks, always feels good.

i think i'm gonna do it, i'm going to have a slutty costume for halloween. i've always had clever and funny non-slutty costumes for halloween while almost every other female chose otherwise. who am i kidding, i probably won't. but i think i'm gonna try on costumes to see how i feel. i'm gonna go for something with high boots, fuuuuuuuuuuuuun. we'll probably go bar hopping to different halloween themed bars since we don't have anything else to do. and i'll probably be the sober one and thats the way i like it. i was so afraid for so long that i inherited my mom's genes of alcoholism and i was wrong! i hate drinking, except on a few rare occasions with girl friends or holidays, i dunno. you know what i mean.

got my car fixed, needed new tires. no more shaking! they said i was about to have a multiple tire blowout. thank God for the timing of getting it fixed.

can't wait for thanksgiving! i cleaned and organized the condo so freakin good so that when we came back to OK it would be so relaxing and great and clean. we're gonna be so happy. plus my dad and kathy are flying out and sarah is kinda out of jail or at least in a halfway house nearby so we can go visit her since she can't get out.

and it's wierd because it's not our first holiday season together, i saw and talked with zee like 4 years ago on christmas and his family already knows me and vice versa, and everybody already loves him and knows him from when he was little. so wierd and cool and less nerve-racking spending holidays with future in-laws.

i guess that's all i have to say for now, oh and jessica's going to come visit next month and i can't wait.......... good times!

peace and love ya'll

loser

i'm getting sued by someone from an accident that was my fault that happened 3 1/2 years ago. my dad called me yesterday and said papers were served but another kind or whatever my dad could get. wierd. anyways, that guy's a loser. he walked away without a scratch and i was the one that got my shoulder messed up from it. and his car wasn't even totaled and mine was. sooo....... what a loser. he's probably trying to scrape up some extra change to save his house or something because the economy is so bad in CA right now. that's my theory at least. so i'll keep this updated the more i know.


i'm bored but not. i can do anything i want to during the day. i've been shopping and spending money but i feel too guilty doing it. i'll probably go back to barnes and noble today and read, i like to do that monday through friday so i can get a good spot to read. so i am kind of bored, but i think it's just bored o f mississippi. i'm ready to move on to the next state now. me and zee were talking about that last night. the job he's on now is going to last for 2-3 more months and he's gonna try to get sent to another state. i hope they don't send him on another job in MS. it would be southern MS which would be different but still.... there's a rumor about Colorado, i hope it's true! then i could go skiing all day!!! FUNNNNN. so zee is gonna start teaching me stuff since he got promoted at work so on the next job i can be his helper person. then we'd be getting 16,000 a month. booyah............. that would get us to our goal so much faster!

deplete bills + condo investment + another house investment + save save save = travel and live and other countries!!!

me and zee see the big picture, it's so great. so when we have bad days or work sucks for him we know what the big picture is and it makes things better.

i think everyone has a big picture in mind all the time. you think 'i just have to do this for this amount of time so this thing(marriage, promotion, retirement, kids, money) will happen later on'. but it's a scary thing that happens (that i've felt before) when you do the same thing over and over and over again without getting anything from that big picture. so you get in a rut that you can't get out of unless you stand up and make a move. i had to move to OK to do that, CA was leaving me in a rut doing the same old things with people who even when i went and visited a year later were the exact same people. which can be a good or bad thing. soo... anyways, my theory is that you have to find the balance between living for that big picture but not too much or you'll end up like my grandma and grandpa who worked for retirement. was on the brink of building their dream house on a ranch they already had bought but suddenly he was diagnosed with cancer and died i think 6 months later. and they spent their whole lives running toward a dream that they never got to touch. geeeesh, i learned so much from them and that situation when that all happened.

hope everyone out there is wonderful and enjoying life to it's fullest.

peace and love homies

Consider the odds, consider the obvious...

Question: Since i was born, with every person, no matter who they are, as soon i as i talk they zone out within 5 sec and most of the time interupt me with something meaningless to say like 'look at that bird, wow, what a cool bird. oh i'm sorry, go ahead- what were you saying'. yeah, like i really want to say a word now. some stupid bird just go your attention over me telling you my most personal details. i know not every person i've ever met has ADHD so am i really that boring? am i really that dull? no matter how boring another person might be or how cool some stupid 'bird' or whatever else is going on around us i ALWAYS stay tuned. i don't interupt and say something meaningless. i guess i just came to this realization that this sucks and it's hurting me really bad. it makes me feel like i'm dull, boring, used, and most of all- someone that says only unimportant things.

maybe this is the way it is in the world, not interupting with meaningless things to say is just a social norm that i live by. it's just sad to me because everyone does it to me (except maybe my dad), i'll listen to people talk forEVER and when i want to say something i can't talk for 5 sec without something bad happening. maybe i'm just a whiny baby, because i sure sound like one. but there might just be someone who one day reads this and knows for a fact that this happens to them too and i'll be that much less crazy. i really need to vent i think. i just want somebody who asks questions about me and wants to know stuff about me, who is so intrigued by me that they want to know more more more. not like obsessive but constantly intrigued. good ol' brandon boyd said it best, 'could you show me dear, something i've not seen? something infinitely interesting'. one day hopefully possibly i'll get what i'm craving.



wah wah wah, i'm such a poor innocent baby haha

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

YES, i look like an asian!!!!

Let's go out and dance darling....

welp, let's see.... i know i want to update but what do i want to talk about? how happy i am? yes, i will talk about that


i'm so freakin happy right now, life is great. no complaints here.

ummm i'm really excited to go visit oklahoma in two weeks. we're going to fly to houston, get our stuff out of storage, drive a u-haul to tulsa. put our stuff in the condo and get stuff we need of ours like winter clothes and such. zee's gonna fly back that day because he has to work but i'm gonna stay 5 more days to spend time with my favorite baby in the world and of course the fam. can't wait. the big plan is starting to take place. pay off the condo from my grandma and by then we'll have all of our bills depleted... then .... it's off to other countries! anywhere we want. and since they are building high-class expensive condos next to ours people are saying that we'll be able to charge 3 times as much rent and therefore: profit from renters goes to us to live on in other countries! and since my family lives right by the condo they'll make sure to keep an eye out for us. PERFECT! can't wait. sigh, it's so great to be with someone that wants to do exactly the same things as you. it's so relieving.

ummm what else is new? i'm still in byram, ms. it's like 10 miles away from jackson. jackson is pretty cool, they have a lot of beautiful government buildings and such. but we just found this other town called ridgeland right outside of jackson that is REALLY cool. well at least it's cool to us because it's civilized and has all the typical places, kinda like dos lagos in CA. it's just nice to have that close when you're out in the country haha.

ummmm all these rumors going around about me getting married in november, ummm no. probably not until early next year. we want to make sure we're stable and have enough money for some awesome honeymoon in some far off distant land. plus i would give enough warning to people i love in CA to make plans to come out. it's so wierd, before you find the one you want to marry you're all about the stupid traditional things (which I've never really been a big fan of) but when it's actually time to get married those things don't matter. if i could have it completely my way i'd just want me and zee and maybe a pastor under a tree in a field making our own union to each other before God. that's what it really is. we met two people while we stayed in a cabin at a lake who considered themselves husband and wife because they had taken a union under God and made vows to each other. they said they don't need a piece of paper and a white dress to say that they are one and not two. i thought it was very interesting. think outside the box people.


anyways...... i've been in hermit mode, haven't been exploring. i got a new sims expansion pack so i'm kinda a loner if you know me then you'll understand what sims does to me. it sucks because i keep wanting to visit jackson's old library and i'm scared we're gonna leave before i can do that.

i love you all, if there is anyone out there. heeelllloooo. is there anyone OUT thayre. pink floyd anyone? mmmm k bye

P.S. for those that call, i know already- my accent is really bad. stop being alarmed friends.

strangers are we not, we are not two- we are one...

there are now two blogger friends, i repeat- two. that makes me very happy, but so much pressure jk


what i need to do is stop coughing. it's a mixture of bronchitis and quitting smoking. it's already been almost two weeks since my last ciggarette. cold turkey so yeah, that is an amazing accomplishment if you've ever quit smoking before. i feel so much better, even though i'm constantly hacking up disgusting things.

so i'm now in hattiesburg, ms. i have to admit, i was so freakin nervous about coming to this place because.... well..... it's freakin mississippi. if i've had any stereotypical thoughts about one state in my life it's mississippi. (sidenote: everytime i spell out MS i do that thing you do when you're little to spell it out). i was just waiting to find KKK people walking around, black people wearing overalls playing the banjo on thier ruckity front porch, and see nothing but dirty land for miles and miles.

wrong. it could just be this city but it's freakin beautiful here. and when i was in baton rouge, LA it was all foresty and cool. nothing like i thought it would be. it's really civilized here, they have everything from blockbuster to malls to best buy to pier one and so on. its nice. after being in a couple of uncivilized towns for awhile, which i thought would be super cool and it was, i definitely appreciate this area.
but the coolest thing about this city is, it's civilized but still country, and it's surrounded by i think 4 lakes and 2 rivers. so we get the best of both worlds, kind of like san antonio, tx and new braunfels, tx which were the most amazing places i've ever been.

we ate at applebees the other night and people are so nice here, i'm gonna go ahead and say that the people here are the nicest i've ever been around, even OK. i was walking past a lady yesterday and it was one of those awkward 'put your head down and if you make eye contact do a half-smile'. but she full on stopped me and asked how my day was going and to take care now. craaaaaazy.

so i want to do my regular exploring in this cool city but i can't because zee's company needs him to take his own car and so he's taking mine because he won't have a truck until a month or two
:( but it's worth it, i think they pay him like an extra 350 a week just for mileage and gas, craaaazy.

so i'm really happy here, we're gonna be here consistently from 6 months to a year so we're actually gonna get our stuff out of storage and drive it here and rent a house. it'll be nice, especially knowing that it's another temporary place and in 6 months or whatever we'll be off to the next place that's new. love it. and now when jessica and liz come visit we'll have an actual house for them to stay in haha instead of a hotel room.

theres just something about this place that feels like home, i'm glad its this place that we're staying for that long. it was almost in florida which would have been nice because i would've been close to lindsey :( but i'm only 8 or 9 hours away from her so i could probably go visit her.

so things are good, relationships with friends and family are at their all-time high. very happy.

peace

we all live in a yellow submarine.........

well well well, if it isn't the ol' bloggity blog. the dreaded blog that i stopped writing in for reasons i don't know. i guess i just stopped having time for it, which is probably a good thing because it means i have a real life outside a computer? i don't know

hmmm update:

*i'm a real live gypsy now, just like i've always hoped i would be. i have all my stuff in storage and i live out of a bag. one week i'm somewhere and i don't know where i'm gonna be the next. i've met more unique individuals in the last 3 months that are so raw and have enlightened me... more than people i've met in the last couple of years. it's truly refreshing. i've heard stories from them that have amazed me.
now some people might look at that like i'm a bum or crazy (hint: certain family members) BUT i truly believe if you have an open mind and free spirit you look at that and think wow, that would be so great. i've always heard and thought that the idea of running away and starting over is so alluring but i'm not necessarily running away because that means that i'm running from something and i'm not. i just opened my eyes and realized i am young and healthy and i can change my location and experience anything i want at any time. yes, sometimes money will be short but it's worth it.

zee is working as a land surveyor just he has been since he was 16. they send him different locations and pay him tons of money to be outside pretty much and take measurements. it's wierd for me to have the freedom of no job and be able to explore whatever city i'm in and still be taken care of. i always joke around and tell him i'm a moocher but he always insists that i'm not and that he's merely taking care of me. so domestic, i know... who would've thought.

man, and just this week i found this town's library (and this is the oldest town in LA by the way) and it was amazing! i have an obsession with libraries and this one is so great, and its near the cane river which is beautiful and lined by giant twisty hundreds of years old oak trees. and the road is brick and so old, like something out of the movie the patriot.

and another observation from LA- we went and saw step brothers (which was wierd that they even had a theatre and it's tiny and the only one for miles and miles). oh my gosh, no joke. every person knew each other. there were girls telling other girls across the room in the theatre that they're hair looks cute because they cut it..... wierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd. and then at the library women all knew each other around me and were talking about revivals that they just went to haha

and did i mention love love love? yup, i'm in love. this is exactly how love is, you know from the very beginning and have no doubts about it and when you know that there's no one else for you but this person...... it's wonderful. we're always just in awe that we're with each other. after seeing each other our whole lives and remember things from when we were little and then now..... so many years later we're together and absolutely perfect for each other. it was so bizarre for my family to come visit and they already knew him and my dad made copies of pictures for me of me and zee when we were little. just the fact that my dad had pictures of zee when he was little is so cool (sounds creepy right now hahahaahah) sigh, and i was so worried there for awhile that i wasn't going to find someone i loved as much as eddie, i tried with a few but didn't work out. they just didn't measure up. but now i finally have, my love for zee surpasses all love i've had in any of the few relationships i've had. it's so refreshing, i was really worried about finding a love that surpassed that old one.

it's craaaaaaaaaazy. our romance should be a movie haha for realsssssss BUT don't worry, i'm not that naive. it is really hard work. we've already had our share of arguements and such, it sucks. i didn't forget it's hard and you have to work at a relationship but i did forget HOW HARD you have to work at it. but it's so worth it in the end.

well i really wanted to type more but i'm over it, i have more wonderful things to do todaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. i've been trying really really hard to maintain friendships with those i love. man it's hard. the only ones i currently do that with now are liz and jessica and occassionally lindsey. i really want to start keeping in touch with gabe, mark, and tommie more. they all mean a lot to me. i suck, but i am doing the best i can. so there gabe, i know you're the only one that reads this! you are such a good friend!


love you all, no matter who you are, even if theres no one that reads this.

until next time- peace

what am i doing. i don't know who i am anymore.

Jane says, I ain't never been in love.

stupid blog. i've avoided you way too long.

so i'm moving to texas in two weeks. i'm gonna be with music, freedom, and most importantly someone i love. it feels like 5 years has passed since i've seen anyone i've ever known, even family that live 30 seconds away. how can so much change in so little time, how could i have aged 10 years in 5 weeks. i've been waiting for these moments to arrive and it's finally here and its fanfreakintastic.

hippie side overtaking any other sidei've ever known. it takes a true free spirited person to pack up and desert everything for someone she loves and for music and many more. not many can do it. but i can, see i told you it was in me.

me = loving the tambourine and i think i'm awesome at it


good enough update friends? or i mean just gabe haha :) miss ya friend.

And then we all bought yaughts....

let's just say a good weekend, VERY good weekend... for many many reasons i will not share on some stupd blog i write in

Today seems like a good day, burn a bridge or two.

so i stayed home from work today, cramps. boys are so lucky, they don't know what it's like to have your whole body shut down and all you can do is curl up in a ball with a heating pad. when i called my boss this morning i had no shame, kevin i'm on my period with cramps, i'm taking sick time today. anyways....

so it's raining and there's tons of lightening, it's tornado season too so talk about freakin scary. so i've pretty much had way too much time today laying here to be on myspace and youtube. my two internet weaknesses.

so i got my yoga mat delivered and my treadmill will be coming this week. i'm excited to start running again. i lost weight from it before so scoooooooore. it's been a long time, i'm in the worse shape of my life... i've to get ready for tank tops and skirts this summer. and i want to start running along the river this summer with the rest of the Tulsans but i don't want to be out of breath and embarass myself haha.

express jet finally called and they're cutting me a check for my lost bag. 12oo. not bad considering everything was probably worth 1500 but now i don't feel so bad for lying and summing it up for 2,000. i probably wouldn't have gotten only like 800 if i didn't lie. i'm sure theres a twist in this reward God will make me pay for for lying, like someone stealing the check or something haha i dunno. don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about.

faster thaaaaaaaaaaaaannn a cannonbaaaaaaaaallllll......

i think i'm going red when i dye my hair next. no more burgundy/dark cherry crap.... although it was fun for awhile. i'm thinking red, like paramore red... hayley's hair inspired me haha. stupid, but seriously. but maybe more ashlee simpson, i had it that red for a while a long time ago.... guess it's time to bring it back bitches.

bbq this saturday + old friends + UFC fight + second to last class on Saturday = celebration bitches.... cha china club, a chinga chong ching ching chong.... unityyyyyyyyyyyyy.

i've officially lost it, maybe it's that handful of tylenol i took to get rid of cramps.

She lies and says she's in love with him; can't find a better man

so i've been picking up the ol' guitar again recently. man it feels so great to be in a big room in my own condo, my big mattress with no frame... just on the floor with desk lamp on the floor next to it.... picking up that guitar and just playing until my fingers bled (no it was not the summer of 69 nor did they really bleed). but it felt so hippie-ish and free and even though it was midnight who cares, i'm not gonna let some job that i have no desire for, that doesn't impact people, and doesn't make a difference in the world- effect the rest of my life, including sleep. i'm not about to go to sleep at 9 so i can feel rested for a job like that.

man, i really need to finish school already so i can be done with this non-sense non-productive way of living rut that i'm stuck in at the moment. but i make the best out of it, i have my distinct moments during the day that i'm truly at peace and happy.

that's all, i am tired now though haha. goodnight to all, i mean nobody... except maybe creepers.

wild wild horses, couldn't drag me away

Just a few things that I learned today that bother me:


1) when someone takes a dump in the bathroom at work and leave right before i get in there = i deal with the smell plus everyone thinks it was me that comes in after

2) when people don't sleep in on the weekends so they can stay on schedule for the weekdays

3) when people don't take vacation or sick days because they simple have too much work... it's your right to take those, they give them to you as your right as an US employee at their company. take them damnit

4) when working overtime all week and getting home late makes you admired by your boss and co-workers as a dedicated hard worker. ummm quality, not quanity. it should be looked down on because that means less time to enjoy other things in life and spend time with loved ones d bags




Numbers 2, 3, and 4 = the man and how people don't see the man getting them down in these ways


that is all for now. and i'm pmsing in case someone doesn't realize that.