strangers are we not, we are not two- we are one...

there are now two blogger friends, i repeat- two. that makes me very happy, but so much pressure jk


what i need to do is stop coughing. it's a mixture of bronchitis and quitting smoking. it's already been almost two weeks since my last ciggarette. cold turkey so yeah, that is an amazing accomplishment if you've ever quit smoking before. i feel so much better, even though i'm constantly hacking up disgusting things.

so i'm now in hattiesburg, ms. i have to admit, i was so freakin nervous about coming to this place because.... well..... it's freakin mississippi. if i've had any stereotypical thoughts about one state in my life it's mississippi. (sidenote: everytime i spell out MS i do that thing you do when you're little to spell it out). i was just waiting to find KKK people walking around, black people wearing overalls playing the banjo on thier ruckity front porch, and see nothing but dirty land for miles and miles.

wrong. it could just be this city but it's freakin beautiful here. and when i was in baton rouge, LA it was all foresty and cool. nothing like i thought it would be. it's really civilized here, they have everything from blockbuster to malls to best buy to pier one and so on. its nice. after being in a couple of uncivilized towns for awhile, which i thought would be super cool and it was, i definitely appreciate this area.
but the coolest thing about this city is, it's civilized but still country, and it's surrounded by i think 4 lakes and 2 rivers. so we get the best of both worlds, kind of like san antonio, tx and new braunfels, tx which were the most amazing places i've ever been.

we ate at applebees the other night and people are so nice here, i'm gonna go ahead and say that the people here are the nicest i've ever been around, even OK. i was walking past a lady yesterday and it was one of those awkward 'put your head down and if you make eye contact do a half-smile'. but she full on stopped me and asked how my day was going and to take care now. craaaaaazy.

so i want to do my regular exploring in this cool city but i can't because zee's company needs him to take his own car and so he's taking mine because he won't have a truck until a month or two
:( but it's worth it, i think they pay him like an extra 350 a week just for mileage and gas, craaaazy.

so i'm really happy here, we're gonna be here consistently from 6 months to a year so we're actually gonna get our stuff out of storage and drive it here and rent a house. it'll be nice, especially knowing that it's another temporary place and in 6 months or whatever we'll be off to the next place that's new. love it. and now when jessica and liz come visit we'll have an actual house for them to stay in haha instead of a hotel room.

theres just something about this place that feels like home, i'm glad its this place that we're staying for that long. it was almost in florida which would have been nice because i would've been close to lindsey :( but i'm only 8 or 9 hours away from her so i could probably go visit her.

so things are good, relationships with friends and family are at their all-time high. very happy.

peace

we all live in a yellow submarine.........

well well well, if it isn't the ol' bloggity blog. the dreaded blog that i stopped writing in for reasons i don't know. i guess i just stopped having time for it, which is probably a good thing because it means i have a real life outside a computer? i don't know

hmmm update:

*i'm a real live gypsy now, just like i've always hoped i would be. i have all my stuff in storage and i live out of a bag. one week i'm somewhere and i don't know where i'm gonna be the next. i've met more unique individuals in the last 3 months that are so raw and have enlightened me... more than people i've met in the last couple of years. it's truly refreshing. i've heard stories from them that have amazed me.
now some people might look at that like i'm a bum or crazy (hint: certain family members) BUT i truly believe if you have an open mind and free spirit you look at that and think wow, that would be so great. i've always heard and thought that the idea of running away and starting over is so alluring but i'm not necessarily running away because that means that i'm running from something and i'm not. i just opened my eyes and realized i am young and healthy and i can change my location and experience anything i want at any time. yes, sometimes money will be short but it's worth it.

zee is working as a land surveyor just he has been since he was 16. they send him different locations and pay him tons of money to be outside pretty much and take measurements. it's wierd for me to have the freedom of no job and be able to explore whatever city i'm in and still be taken care of. i always joke around and tell him i'm a moocher but he always insists that i'm not and that he's merely taking care of me. so domestic, i know... who would've thought.

man, and just this week i found this town's library (and this is the oldest town in LA by the way) and it was amazing! i have an obsession with libraries and this one is so great, and its near the cane river which is beautiful and lined by giant twisty hundreds of years old oak trees. and the road is brick and so old, like something out of the movie the patriot.

and another observation from LA- we went and saw step brothers (which was wierd that they even had a theatre and it's tiny and the only one for miles and miles). oh my gosh, no joke. every person knew each other. there were girls telling other girls across the room in the theatre that they're hair looks cute because they cut it..... wierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd. and then at the library women all knew each other around me and were talking about revivals that they just went to haha

and did i mention love love love? yup, i'm in love. this is exactly how love is, you know from the very beginning and have no doubts about it and when you know that there's no one else for you but this person...... it's wonderful. we're always just in awe that we're with each other. after seeing each other our whole lives and remember things from when we were little and then now..... so many years later we're together and absolutely perfect for each other. it was so bizarre for my family to come visit and they already knew him and my dad made copies of pictures for me of me and zee when we were little. just the fact that my dad had pictures of zee when he was little is so cool (sounds creepy right now hahahaahah) sigh, and i was so worried there for awhile that i wasn't going to find someone i loved as much as eddie, i tried with a few but didn't work out. they just didn't measure up. but now i finally have, my love for zee surpasses all love i've had in any of the few relationships i've had. it's so refreshing, i was really worried about finding a love that surpassed that old one.

it's craaaaaaaaaazy. our romance should be a movie haha for realsssssss BUT don't worry, i'm not that naive. it is really hard work. we've already had our share of arguements and such, it sucks. i didn't forget it's hard and you have to work at a relationship but i did forget HOW HARD you have to work at it. but it's so worth it in the end.

well i really wanted to type more but i'm over it, i have more wonderful things to do todaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. i've been trying really really hard to maintain friendships with those i love. man it's hard. the only ones i currently do that with now are liz and jessica and occassionally lindsey. i really want to start keeping in touch with gabe, mark, and tommie more. they all mean a lot to me. i suck, but i am doing the best i can. so there gabe, i know you're the only one that reads this! you are such a good friend!


love you all, no matter who you are, even if theres no one that reads this.

until next time- peace

what am i doing. i don't know who i am anymore.

Jane says, I ain't never been in love.

stupid blog. i've avoided you way too long.

so i'm moving to texas in two weeks. i'm gonna be with music, freedom, and most importantly someone i love. it feels like 5 years has passed since i've seen anyone i've ever known, even family that live 30 seconds away. how can so much change in so little time, how could i have aged 10 years in 5 weeks. i've been waiting for these moments to arrive and it's finally here and its fanfreakintastic.

hippie side overtaking any other sidei've ever known. it takes a true free spirited person to pack up and desert everything for someone she loves and for music and many more. not many can do it. but i can, see i told you it was in me.

me = loving the tambourine and i think i'm awesome at it


good enough update friends? or i mean just gabe haha :) miss ya friend.

And then we all bought yaughts....

let's just say a good weekend, VERY good weekend... for many many reasons i will not share on some stupd blog i write in

Today seems like a good day, burn a bridge or two.

so i stayed home from work today, cramps. boys are so lucky, they don't know what it's like to have your whole body shut down and all you can do is curl up in a ball with a heating pad. when i called my boss this morning i had no shame, kevin i'm on my period with cramps, i'm taking sick time today. anyways....

so it's raining and there's tons of lightening, it's tornado season too so talk about freakin scary. so i've pretty much had way too much time today laying here to be on myspace and youtube. my two internet weaknesses.

so i got my yoga mat delivered and my treadmill will be coming this week. i'm excited to start running again. i lost weight from it before so scoooooooore. it's been a long time, i'm in the worse shape of my life... i've to get ready for tank tops and skirts this summer. and i want to start running along the river this summer with the rest of the Tulsans but i don't want to be out of breath and embarass myself haha.

express jet finally called and they're cutting me a check for my lost bag. 12oo. not bad considering everything was probably worth 1500 but now i don't feel so bad for lying and summing it up for 2,000. i probably wouldn't have gotten only like 800 if i didn't lie. i'm sure theres a twist in this reward God will make me pay for for lying, like someone stealing the check or something haha i dunno. don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about.

faster thaaaaaaaaaaaaannn a cannonbaaaaaaaaallllll......

i think i'm going red when i dye my hair next. no more burgundy/dark cherry crap.... although it was fun for awhile. i'm thinking red, like paramore red... hayley's hair inspired me haha. stupid, but seriously. but maybe more ashlee simpson, i had it that red for a while a long time ago.... guess it's time to bring it back bitches.

bbq this saturday + old friends + UFC fight + second to last class on Saturday = celebration bitches.... cha china club, a chinga chong ching ching chong.... unityyyyyyyyyyyyy.

i've officially lost it, maybe it's that handful of tylenol i took to get rid of cramps.

She lies and says she's in love with him; can't find a better man

so i've been picking up the ol' guitar again recently. man it feels so great to be in a big room in my own condo, my big mattress with no frame... just on the floor with desk lamp on the floor next to it.... picking up that guitar and just playing until my fingers bled (no it was not the summer of 69 nor did they really bleed). but it felt so hippie-ish and free and even though it was midnight who cares, i'm not gonna let some job that i have no desire for, that doesn't impact people, and doesn't make a difference in the world- effect the rest of my life, including sleep. i'm not about to go to sleep at 9 so i can feel rested for a job like that.

man, i really need to finish school already so i can be done with this non-sense non-productive way of living rut that i'm stuck in at the moment. but i make the best out of it, i have my distinct moments during the day that i'm truly at peace and happy.

that's all, i am tired now though haha. goodnight to all, i mean nobody... except maybe creepers.

wild wild horses, couldn't drag me away

Just a few things that I learned today that bother me:


1) when someone takes a dump in the bathroom at work and leave right before i get in there = i deal with the smell plus everyone thinks it was me that comes in after

2) when people don't sleep in on the weekends so they can stay on schedule for the weekdays

3) when people don't take vacation or sick days because they simple have too much work... it's your right to take those, they give them to you as your right as an US employee at their company. take them damnit

4) when working overtime all week and getting home late makes you admired by your boss and co-workers as a dedicated hard worker. ummm quality, not quanity. it should be looked down on because that means less time to enjoy other things in life and spend time with loved ones d bags




Numbers 2, 3, and 4 = the man and how people don't see the man getting them down in these ways


that is all for now. and i'm pmsing in case someone doesn't realize that.

I'm like the bear who got caught with his hand in the hive but complains of the sting....

"Old flames are like old tax returns; keep them on file for 3 years then shred them."

so i really love the movie family man, talk about an amazing movie.... so symbolic for the american dream that everyone tries to have.

anyways, so continuing from the last blog:

thursday night, went to the marriot hotel bar with ladies i work with. i was dressed in jeans, a hoodie, and converse:

let me go on a tangent here: my converse have walked the grounds of 6 different countries and have never been washed. some might think that's gross but i'm proud of that. they are worn out completely but are still the most comfortable pair of shoes i have... or at least tied with my flip flops. i have had them since 9th grade so 1999 so almost a decade next year. i love wearing them and always will. way to go chuck.

so point made, i was completely undressed for the banquet, i was probably the youngest one there, i wasn't wearing a cowboy hat or boots, so i'm pretty sure i stood out like a sore thumb. but nevertheless it was very... interesting. many welders were buying me and the other girls drinks, very strange/kind. i totally started talking with a thicker accent like always when i'm around people that have it that thick. it was lame. but i had a good time, just really really interesting.

so whats super cool? when i go over to my moms for lunch with hannah and ryan and my mom tells me that someone is coming over that we saw a lot when we were little although i don't remember too much about him. and he comes over and he's really cute and just a cool guy. VERY wierd for that to happen. the scenario was like taken from some sort of chickflick. however it was cool, him and his brother are coming over to my mom's house again next saturday for a bbq then we're all gonna hang out somewhere to watch the ufc fight. fun fun.

sara came and hung out saturday night, checked out the 'bachelorette pad'... i really hope she moves in! i seriously wouldn't want anybody else for a roomie in OK.

work work work, at least my treadmill is coming this week so i have something else to look forward to.

liz asked me to pray with her on the phone the other night. the first thought that went into my head was wow, can i do this? i can't remember the last time i prayed.

if someone would have told me i would have that thought in my head 2 years ago i would have laughed and called them crazy.

le sigh. one day i'll put God's knowledge and love back above the love and knowledge i try to get myself.

I pulled off your wings, then I laughed

i hate when i have those kind of dreams, when they're so realistic that when you wake up you're so confused between reality and whats not. one time i had a dream that my parents said they were getting back together and it was so great and then i woke up and realized welp, that would never happen. i've been thinking about that lately, i haven't seen my parents just standing next to each other since i was probably 15, probably not even in the same room or house. i remember when i was little my whole family would go to kmart (i know, when it wasn't ghetto) off main st and go to the cafe and drink icees and one time in particular i remember all of us closely squeezed into one booth and thinking, wow... this is my whole family. here. at kmart. anyways, the point is sometimes i think i'd give anything just to have all of us squeezed in a booth again, even just for one minute. no one would have to say anything, actually i'd perfer it that way, just looking around at each other's faces. wow.

i got work out of the marriott hotel today instead of an office for our pipeliners convention/school whatever the hell they call it. all i know is everytime i saw someone i looked down and saw cowboy boots. and there were about 700 people there haha. it's kind of exciting, i talk to all those people and more on the phone all day everyday and to see them and see their name tags but they don't know who i am is so exciting, it's like i'm a little kid again playing spys. i'm going out with two older ladies tomorrow night to their banquet, should be interesting. we're going to a bar before which really isn't my cup of tea but for some reason i'm still going, hopefully i won't end up like elaine on seinfield when she drank too much at her work's christmas party. we'll see what happens. and that's why i love this blog because i can type whatever the heck i want and i'm pretty sure no one reads it, i could add 'blogger friends' on here but i decided not to. it's like my journal but because i love typing it's so much more fun. anyways......


music: pinback = greatness.... i hate how stupid i feel when i hear how good a band is from someone and it takes me so long to listen to them and when i do they are so freakin good.


my boss was standing over my shoulder and wanted me to type 'INSIDE GUARD' and i was nervous and typed 'INSIDE GAURD'.... spelled it wrong. refer to previous blog.

so liz sent me a picture of her new boyfriend and he is so freakin good looking it's ridiculous, way to go girl.... can't wait to be in a wedding finally haha

i had my aunt and cousins over in my NEW condo, good times good times. i was such a good entertainer, warmed up pizza and got an extra chair ect. did the best i could for my new little bachelorette pad (i decided to call it that)

we made fun of idol gives back show because when all the celebrities went and visited people in poverty they wore fancy stylish clothes, big sunglasses, and gold giant dangling earrings...... puhlease people, have some respect.... you could take them out of poverty most likely by just selling those things on your body to give to them. lamo.

by the way, tornado warning + 4th night living alone = scary

that's all for now, goodnight. i'll write back to say how tomorrow night goes.... wierd.

Rock on young saviour, don't give up your hopes.

IT'S OFFICIAL!

I'm officially alone and independent in my own condo. for the first time i have things from my room .... outside my room! I have never been able to officially take ownership and now i can. how do i feel? scared, alone, anxiety-filled. geez, i never thought i'd feel this freaked out. but then again i have always been a spaz so i guess it's a given. but i love the way i decorate and i'm so freakin spoiled from my grandma, even though she did it for hannah when she first moved in. she took me to wal-mart and got me every little thing i would need to start. so now i'm set and it feels great. i just feel really low not hearing anybody else in the condo. it's just too darn quiet. i wanted that this whole time and now i don't know what to do with it :( too wierd.

there's this really cool warehouse store that my mom said she used to shop at. it's worse than a thrift store but one man's garbage is another man's treasure. there were so many cool things, just a few chips and tears here and there. i got two pairs of dressy work pants for like 8 bucks each, craaaaaaaaaazy. and people out here don't like the same cool stuff as 'californians' so scooooooooooooore. i get all the good stuff.

i really hope my potential roomie moves in. i love living by myself but i don't think i'm ready to be this alone unless i'm like 40 and unmarried or something.

I haven't been up to much lately, went to the dueling piano show again friday night, getting kind of old... it's fun and there are so many other fun places to go but our only friends and hannah and ryan always choose that place haha. school saturday which i did pretty darn good on my test for only studying for 2 hours the night before.

i'm so sick of moving stuff around in here and gathering hannah and ryan's crap to get out. i'm exhausted. there's still so much to do, but it's fun stuff.

i'm watching a really funny episode of seinfiled...... alone.... when george keeps sleeping under his desk at work. so freakin funny, i should really buy the seasons on dvd.

so after going through withdrawls from CA i decided no, i won't move back.... way too stupid to do that. so i'm just gonna live here and invest my money with the condo, finish school WHILE visiting 3-4 times a year since i can afford it now.... i think haha

so next stop: July 4th weekend, yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I'd rather waste my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute

wow. it's crazy how moments and memories from either so freakin long ago or just most recent ones can play in your head over and over again and feel those exact same emotions you felt when it happened. either embarasment or loved or shy or giddy or butterflies or just simply happy. sometimes i feel like the mom from the movie signs when she has one of the most random memories right before she dies..... except mine are constant and i don't think i'm gonna die soon, who knows. but the point is i've always had this extra strong sensory memory (made that up) part in my brain that when i feel an emotion it's 10 times stronger kept in my memory than most normal people. i don't know why i'm typing about this.... probably because i had a few of those recently and they kept me up last night until 3:00 in the morning and made me smile all day today to the point where i couldn't hold it in and people caught me at work and looked at me wierd haha

overtime schmovertime. i work hard for my money so you better treat me right... or ... everybody's workin for the weeeeeeeekend. these are the songs i sing in my head when i work overtime.

i amuse myself because i'm the only one that can.

Didn't have a camera by my side this time; hoping I would see the world through both my eyes.

wow. what can i say about the last week. everything that happened in the last week feels like it could be stretched out over a year and that year would have been very busy.

First of all moving away to another state is very scary, uneasy, and life-altering... especially when you've lived in one place all your life. so this last year has already been surreal. i still have to calm down and not get freaked out when i'm reminded that i moved to freaking oklahoma, and i've lived here for almost year... didn't end up moving back to ca. and also have to calm myself down when i realize i have a nephew. hannah freakin had a baby. those two things in itself are already freaky enough to me. all these changes have made me ultra-sensitive and very vunerable to many emotions i haven't felt in so long. so now, moving on............

Commentary for events from March 21st to March 29th:

Friday afternoon: i pack everything that i love (objects) into a suitcase preparing for my visit in ca. the plane arrives and everyone's suitcase comes out but mine. but there is one last suitcase that comes out that looks like mine but isn't. so i grab it and the info tag states he's from oklahoma too. so figuring that this someone grabbed my bag accidently i call the phone number. an old lady answers and says, this isn't richard... this is his mom, he's blind and should be in nevada. wierd. so long story short i turn in his luggage and i never get mine. i call the stupid airlines everyday on my vacation and they are rude and not helpful and all they could do was get my information and give me a stupid mini travel case with gross toothpaste and deoderant that didn't work all week and say 'good luck, we'll let you know if we hear anything'. am i flying on that airline ever again? yes, it's cheap. but will i ever check in another bag going anywhere? NO.

so we go and eat sushi after with my dad, kathy, and shaunna in rancho... really good. mmmm... then head back home where i had an emotional reunion with sadie (which wouldn't have been so emotional if i wouldn't have lost my bag and was super sensitive). then liz came and picked me up which then i got really emotional because to see her face to face and not just hear her voice over the phone after all this time can make any person so grateful and emotional. we met up with rose and paul and i got to meet baby kadence for the first time!!! so exciting. i was there when they first met and exchanged numbers, i was there when they got married, found out she was pregnant then to meet their first beautiful child!? seeing the beautiful results that come from two people meeting and falling in love is so amazing in life to see. then i got home late and mark came and picked me up with jason in the back who decided to scare me, funny. in n out cheeseburger which i didn't enjoy for some wierd reason. good convo. ect....

okay i can't go into detail about my whole trip i just realized, too much info.... sooo.... down to important lessons learned:

going away somewhere and coming back to a place can be very depressing when:

1) any old friend hasn't changed or made any progress in their life and they are exactly the same. the things that used to bother you about them are still there and the things they struggle with in life hasn't changed.

2) when any person you were excited to see doesn't end up wanting to really talk and hang out with you, even if it was just for like 10 min. nothing major. they keep saying well i'll be back in just a second or i'll probably see you tomorrow night won't I? (only a select random few did this, the least expected ones)

3) when you don't get to see someone you wanted to see or spend more time with someone that you wanted to because either there were too many people there or there just wasn't enough time in the day

4) there were 3 people i didn't get to see that i told them i would see and i suck :(

I'm very happy because:

1) most of the conversations i had with people were so fulfilling and relaxed and fun because my mindset the whole trip was- i might not ever see some of these people again, so much can change in a year, i need to show love and kindness and that i care as much as i can remember to because these people are all close to my heart and i have so many memories with them.

2) not all people are so fortunate to take a visit to an old home and have so many people who want to hang out and to know so many awesome people that they can have such a good time with.

3) i saw friends doing SO good in life, striving after God.... changing things in their life for the better, and are just accomplishing their goals.

everytime i asked someone how they're doing and they mention what they're doing it annoyed me. how are you? good, just work and school. but what do i say when people ask me.... how are you doing rachel? good, oklahoma is great, just work and school. psh hypocrite.

i really did hang out with some of the most random people, i think i almost saw some of the most random people also... even people from highschool i never thought i'd see again... especially in church. good and wierd. i almost thought i was going to die in a plane crash on the way back because i saw and said goodbye to so many friends, almost like God was being nice because i was gonna die hahaha.

On another note, let's talk about God and faith on this trip:

i must admit and be honest in this blog, just like i said i would in my second blog. i feel as if as i was somewhat two-faced through this week. i went to church on sunday morning, tuesday and wednesday night..... to basically only see and talk to people. God really worked on my heart those days and then the other days i just wanted to go out and be crazy. which i did somewhat some of those nights, but it wasn't that bad. i'm puzzled as i look back and see how so much of my heart was tug-a-war between flesh and spirit. both won everyday and then went back at it again. not good. i almost flaked one night just to go out with hannah and ryan and their group because i thought it'd be more fun. what a strange and out of character thing for me to feel. i told myself i wouldn't blog about this but i was also on the prowl so to speak. i talked to jessica about it too, how do i explain........... it's almost as if my eyes were constantly searching for potential. it's gotta be the age of 22 thing. everyone's jumping ship around me while holding hands with someone and i guess i was trying to find somone's hand. hmmm that's a good way to put it. probably because being out here in ok for so long made me that way. my heart was worn on my sleeve that whole week and i'm glad no one messed with it because they could have if they wanted to. and that's all i have to say about that.

i definitely need to visit more than once a year, i hope i do more. today was the first day i feel like i'm officially back in OK again. it feels like i never left. i guess that's good and bad. i felt a little depressed today because hannah and ryan came back here with a baby and a new condo that they're gonna move into very soon. they have so much going for them. i do too but i came back to more of an empty place, work, and school. i know i'm happy out here, but i feel like lately i've been having to convince myself of that.


i done typing now but i should mention something bizarre. yesterday morning when i went to work i started having 'issues' at work in the bathroom if you catch my drift. so i start thinking it's just because of the change in environment so quickly ect. so i lose my appetite throughout the day, which isn't like me hahahaha, and go over my aunts house last night. i went back and forth to the bathroom so frequently it was getting really bad and i don't want to go into much detail but the 'issues' were far from normal and something was not right. so im hanging out with ryan's friend that was visiting this week and it kept happening, frequent trips back and forth. so finally at like 11:30 i went to sleep exhausted and curled up in a ball on my bed and around 2:00am i wake up but i feel like i'm paralyzed, i can't move my body at all and it takes about 10 minutes to get up and go to the bathroom. while in the bathroom i stand up to start to throw up and next thing you know i'm screaming for hannah to call 911 and down i go, passed out on the bathroom floor. paramedics come, put me on a stretcher, and off i go. so: i have some virus, it sucks, and i slept all day today and missed school that i shouldn't have but kinda didn't have a choice.

but look on the brightside- like the stupid girl i am - i think (or just feel) that i lost about 10 pounds within 24 hours

its to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car, the first star you see might not be a star

dang, i had my my itunes on shuffle and jimmy eat world came on and i got such an urge of excitement. i thought, man, they will forever be one of my favorite bands. they just get me and i get them and their music fits me. and then i had a flashback of a song by something corporate that had a shout out to jimmy eat world about one of my favorites of theirs. i remembered someone told me they saw something corporate in concert and when the part came on about jimmy eat world everyone was shouting and sang along that one part a little bit louder. i thought i'd give anything to be there and scream out that part about jimmy. anyways, long story short i had to search and search to find what the title of that song was then find it on myspace to add. such a good song, and moral of the story is: it's amazing what 4 lines sung in a song that refers to a band that you love can make you feel. crazy!


life is good. God is good, as always. school sucks, didn't get into the nursing program because it was full.... story of my life. sometimes i think i'll never be done with school. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, it's like i'm so far ahead but not at all. i've got every freakin class almost done for my bachelors besides the actual nursing curriculum that i can't take because you have to be in the stupid program that's impossible to get into in any state. ugh. but OK is a little easier to get into thank God. i know i'm not the only one that feels insecure around others with school when you're past the age of already getting your degree. it's sad how inadequate we feel next to others that have higher education then we do... it's not like those people know more about life or love. and if they have their bachelors, big deal... it's not that freakin hard people, just time consuming. hmmmm... rachel's deep thought for the day.

i'm tempted in ca to just hang out with liz and few select others. i was telling liz the other night how i just want to hang out with her because in 10 years i know she's the only one of my friends that i'll probably still talk to often. gosh, i could talk about liz forever. our friendship is so special to me and is so awesome all the time and has been since i was 15. it's like God uniquely designed it to last for a looooooong time.

i had fun saturday, i watched/hung out with my little cousin and we had girl time... went and saw a movie, ate, ect.... we saw the best movie ever, horton hears a who. SO GOOD. i never want to see kid movies but everytime i do i always love it after. i'll totally go see it again.

speaking of which, U2 in 3D, i heard it was so cool. i told my dad we should go watch that for easter sunday. ha i love my dad, we always have the best holidays... we're so alike.

1 more week, hopefully, and they're out!!!! gonna miss them, but not for long. psh besides, they're like 40 seconds walking distance away haha. i love it.

i have roomie if i decide i don't like living on my own. she's pretty much my only friend in OK. it's funny, we've probably only hung out like 3 times and i consider her a good friend, we just click. anyways, she's gonna move in if i don't like living by myself that long. we'll see.... i think i just need some me time in my place kinda thing for a few months and then i'll get over it ha.

i really hope i get a rental car in ca, i absolutely hate asking people for rides with a passion. sucky. i don't want to stress about it.

we had a late birthday bbq for sarah on sunday. good times good times. me and mom went and got her cake from this antique bakery that is so freakin cool. it had giant frosting frogs for decoration, if you know me you'll understand. even cooler than the gingerbread cottage surprisingly. who would have thunk it (ugh, i hate when people talk like that).

my accent is getting worse. i was on the phone with someone at work giving a number and i kept saying foR instead of four. horrible.


first star i seeeeeeeeeeee, may not beeeeeeeeeeee a starrrrrrrrrr.

someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide... in a champagne supernova

what a bad day. what a bad week. what a bad month. so many people have offended me and pushed me around this week. i feel so hurt by everyone. when we had a group session.......... ugh i can't even freakin type on this stupid blog because the tv is up way too loud and brayden's crying and i'm sitting in my small room with headphones. talk about annoying, thank god they leave in the next 2 weeks. i feel like a time bomb about to go off. And you ask what I'm gonna do as soon as they move out? walk around naked playing my guitar AS LOUD AS I WANT and leaving clothes and glasses all around while watching braveheart. haha jk, kind of. well at least i was kidding about the naked part but the point was made. whew........ anyways, i'm done complaining now. so we had a group therapy session with my mom. the counselor made me go first. 'tell your mom whatever you want to tell her'. uhhhh are you serious, she doesn't want to know what i really want to tell her and i don't want to hear what what i really want to tell her. so what did i say? what was the one thing that i could say without hurting her and being simple with my words? As i stared at her and saw her right arm that had scars from cutting (emo huh? but truth), 'all i ask for is consistency'. consistency in our relationship and her life. but most of all: be consistent in loving me. can just one human that i know be consistent in loving me? i know i know, that's why God is so amazing. He consistently loves me and is the only one that ever will. that's when human relationships are healthy and life is healthy, because you don't place unrealistic expectations on the people you love. you'd think it's simple but it's one of the hardest things to do in life. during the session i had say something and tell her how i felt about her getting things straightened out with God. i told her that if she went on this journey with god and tried to go to church He'd help her. i haven't felt that alone in a room in so long. but did my life and the way i live back up what my mouth was saying? nope. which makes it worse.

is it better to speak up and say something that needs to be said and won't be said unless you say it even though you're not doing it or is it better to shut up? who knows.

i worked 10 hours overtime this week, which doesn't sound impressive but it is to me. and so i'm gonna pat myself on the back.

I feel so alone but then i think of the plans for my life, plans made by me and God both but God is the like president and me the vice president.... he can change it if he wants but here's what we have so far:

2-3 years then done with school. A few months before I graduate I'll get an approved loan to buy this condo off my grandma which she already said she wants to. then:

plan a: work awhile as a nurse for a yearish here in OK while I get more experience and pay off school debt

b: live in CA with whoever, if i have any friends there anymore i'll work making bank and pay off my debt there

c: go straight to africa to live and work as a nurse missionary. which that is when my bible college completion comes into play.

now if plan a or b is carried out during that year i will also be investing my money in a rv suitable for one, or two?, nah.... i'm pretty sure just one haha. the cna school that i went to i purposely made an impression on while i was there (highest grade in class booyah kashaw) sends nurses out to various jobs over the US to work for periods at a time (3 weeks or 3 months ect.) at hospitals that are desperate for nurses. the nurses that go there make triple what they'd normally make and when they go back home they have all this money and are on vacation until they feel like it. i would drive in my rv to those places, visit people on the way, make friends, sight see, visit the simple way and places like it, be adventurous and spontaneous while serivng god in any way he in his creative mind leads me to. then once a year since i'd have all that money saved up and the condo will be paid off i'd take a missions trip of my choice.

But if plan c carries out i'll rent this condo out for a few hundred more and basically the renters will be helping pay off this condo for me and when it's paid off their extra money could be used by me for africa for support of my ministry. which i'll be able to charge a lot because this condo is worth it, luckily my grandma decked it out before she moved out big time.

So either way in this lifetime, I'll be productive and smart financially, spiritually, and uhhh i dunno what else.

sometimes being alone can freak a person out. just like the filter song, 'can everyone agree that no one should be left alooooooooooooo ooone'. but God is so cool, when i was little i was such a loner and wierd and always wanted to be alone. my parents thought i was always 'special' (no jokes allowed). and now i know why, everything i look at from my past from birth on has been preparation for who i am today and what i'm gonna do in life. i can't wait. and i can brag about this blog because i've never been all talk, if i want something and through God all things really are possible for those whole love him............ i will get it and enjoy it. unless the president says no :(